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1. Grin throughout the entire Potions class.
2. Owl him a long and detailed account of your summer holiday.
3. Look terrified and leave the Great Hall every time he picks up his spoon.
4. Ask for his autograph.
5. Name your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.
6. Call it 'Snivellus' or 'Snivelly' when it pisses you off and make it hover upside down for its punishment.
7. Twitch a lot during class.
8. Shoot rubber bands at him when his back is turned then look away quickly.
9. Wave to him during breaks and at Lunch, yelling 'HI SEVEY!'
10. Stare at him while he's eating.
11. Follow him. Everywhere.
12. Smile. All the time.
13. Talk back to him.
14. Call him 'Snivellus' in class.
15. When you are alone in a room with him, grin stupidly at him.
16. Draw a fake Dark Mark on your forearm. Run up to him after class and say, 'It's appearing again! He's coming!!'
17. Get Tom Riddle's diary. Bring it to class and write in it. When he comes over and asks you what you're doing, look
up at him frowning and say, 'Tommy is very disappointed in you.' Shake your head sadly.
18. Wink at him before you enter class and leave class everyday.
19. Make up a song about how great the Marauders are and sing it in Potions everyday.
20. Ask him if he misses old Voldey.
21. Ask him what it was like as a Death Eater.
22. Ask him if you can see what he has in the Pensieve (Memory in-putter).
23. Ask him for an allowance for actually listening to him in class.
24. Tell him that Hermione and him should go out.
25. Ask him why he can never get the DADA job.
26. Ask him how Lockhart got the job instead of him.
27. Ask him why he doesn't wear the Vulture hat anymore.
28. Duck under your desk when he pulls out his wand.
29. Scream when he whips your (along with everyone else) cauldron clean, saying you're going to fail because your potion
disappeared.
30. Ask him what Shampoo he uses.
31. Ask him if he even uses shampoo.
32. Ask him if he ever showers.
33. Ask him if James ever took off his pants in his 5th year after the O.W.L.s
34. At midnight, go find his office. Tell him you wet your bed and everyone is laughing at you. Ask if you could sleep
with him tonight.
35. If he actually lets you, tell everyone during breakfast that Snape got you drunk and tried to molest you.
36. If he doesn't let you sleep with him and slams his door on you, sit against the door and sob and sniff all night.
If he doesn't come out, wail loudly and keep him awake all night for his punishment.
37. Owl him love letters signed 'Your Secret Admirer.'
38. Ask him why he's so pissed about James Potter saving his life.
39. Ask what ever happened to his friend Karkaroff.
40. Threaten him.
41. Ask him if you can borrow some more Gillyweed.
42. Ask him if he ever had a thing for Padfoot.
43. Or Moony. Or Prongs. Or Wormtail.
44. Or LILY!
45. Ask him what made him turn traitor on Voldemort.
46. Ask him why he joined the Order of the Phoenix.
47. Tell him that Dolores Umbridge is coming back to take over Potions because she doesn't like how he teaches.
48. Ask him to give you Occlumency lessons.
49. Ask him what his worst memory is and grin.
50. Breathe. Yes, just breathe in class.
51. Actually pay attention in class.
52. Raise your hand every time he asks a question to the class.
53. If something goes wrong at school or if something bad happens, accuse him.
54. Look at him very suspiciously every day.
55. Ask him if he's the Heir of Slytherin.
56. Pretend to fall asleep in class. Talk. Yell. Scream in your "sleep."
57. Do homework from other classes in Potions.
58. Read magazines or the Daily Prophet in class. Laugh occasionally.
59. When he threatens you, say, 'No wonder you never get the DADA job. You're threatening me! That's what Dark Wizards
do!' and slap his hand and say, 'Bad Snape! No job!'
60. Or just gasp and yell, 'SNAPE IS STILL A DARK WIZARD! HE'S A SPY FOR VOLDEMORT!' Then scream, horrified, and bolt
out of class.
61. At the end of his sentences, yell, 'That's what YOU think!'
62. Whenever Dumbledore tells him off, snicker at him and make a whipping noise.
63. If you're a Slytherin, support the other team during Quidditch.
64. Clap your hands over your ears when he's talking to you and yell 'LA, LA, LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!'
65. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now.'
66. If he's in a bathroom stall constipated, knock and ask, 'How's it going?'
67. Tell him that he has bad breath.
68. Drum on your desk in class.
69. Repeat everything he says as a question.
70. Refer to him by his first name.
71. Smoke in class.
72. Clip your toenails in class.
73. While he's looking away, levitate up out of your seat. When he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
74. While he is not in his office, sneak in and rearrange his things. Gradually work up to bigger things, like making
everything he owns glued to the ceiling.
75. Scream when it gets too quiet in class.
76. Ask him why he isn't married or has a girlfriend.
77. Slap and/or pinch his ass.
78. When he yells at you, say, 'Your pretty sexy when you get angry' and grr and make a grabbing gesture with your hand.
79. Everyday steal something from his desk (ex. quill, spell book, wand, his secret porno magazines).
80. When he's in a bathroom stall, stand on the toilet in the neighbor stall and watch. If he doesn't notice you there
at all, cough when he flushes or gets up.
81. When you arrive at school, go to the corridor where Moaning Myrtle's bathroom is. Get red paint and write, 'Potions
is back this year. Enemies of Severus Snape, beware!' where it had said that the COS had been opened.
82. When he is walking down a hall, run out, screaming, 'SNAPE IS COMING! SNAPE IS COMING!'
83. Walk, talk, and dress like him. Don't wash your hair either.
84. Blow him kisses.
85. Mimic him in a Southern accent.
86. Offer him a blowjob.
87. When he walks past you, scream, 'LICE!!!' and pretend to scratch you head.
88. Ask him why he has really short parts in the movies now.
89. Glomp him.
90. Have a belching contest with your friends in class.
91. Or a fart contest. O_o;
92. Write random messages on the board in class when he is not in the class.
93. When he sits down, run and jump into his lap.
94. Ask him about his childhood.
95. Keep on prying into his past. ^.^
96. Propose to him.
97. Be happy.
98. Ask him how long 'it' is.
99. Try and poke it whenever you get the opportunity.
100. Dominate him in your own sick, twisted way.
101. Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes.
102. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'
103. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.
104. Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and ask him if has he seen it?
105. Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next.
106. Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room.
107. Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments.
108. Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff.
109. Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart.
110. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape
111. Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason.
112. Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which
Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice.)
113. Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!'
114. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the Whomping Willow.'
115. Get Hermione to teach you a spell revealing the undergarments of it's subject. Use it at every available opportunity.
116. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still
and smile sweetly.
117. Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place.
118. ransfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell.
119. Charm his hair into dreadlocks.
120. Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run.
121. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Potter kid'
122. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid'
123. Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him.
124. Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean.
125. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.
126. Transfigure his robes into a Molly-Weasleyesque woollen jumper with a large 'S' on it.
127. Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape'
128. Ask him what his middle name is.
129. Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has
a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'
130. Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin.
131. Talk back in class. With a bad Scottish accent.
132. If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of 'I've Got A
Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts'
133. If you're a gutsy Gryffindor, draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.
134. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (ie:
'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!')
135. If you're a hard-working Hufflepuff, write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of good, strong cleansing-potions.
136. If you're a feisty Faculty member, flick things at him during dinner at the High Table.
137. When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout
'Lumos!'
138. Drop vague hints that McGonagall likes him a little more than strictly necessary.
139. Drop vague hints that Filch likes him a little more than strictly necessary.
140. Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention.
141. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention.
142. Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge.
143. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.
144. Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72, Severus dear?' or 'Meet
me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!'
145. Refer to him as 'Cuddles'
146. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'
147. Hum 'Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class.
148. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.
149. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.
150. Sneak into his chambers. Put Blast-Ended-Skrewts in his underwear drawer.
151. Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers.
152. Go Christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July.
153. sk him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion.
154. Charm his hair bright orange.
155. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!'
156. Find out the passwords to his office and private chambers. Cast a spell to change them to 'Fluffy White Kittens'
and 'Flowers & Lollipops'
157. Drool in your potion.
158. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!'
159. When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his nose, then
twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly.
160. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is.
161. Call him Severus.
162. If you're brave, call him Sev.
163. If you're really brave, call him 'Sevvie-kins'.
164. If you're suicidal, call him 'precious-little-Sevvie-kins'
165. When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.
166. Ask him about his private life and personal hygiene.
167. Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around.
168. Send him Valentines in February.
169. Send him Valentines in August.
170. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are from a
certain blonde Slytherin.
171. Set his robes on fire.
172. Set your own robes on fire. Insist that he save you.
173. Doodle things on your left arm during his lessons.
174. Find out when his birthday is. Throw a surprise party. Shower him with gold ribbons and pink balloons.
175. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir!
I've got him!'
176. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.
177. When he turns his back, imitate anything he just said in a high, squeaky voice.
178. Show up drunk.
179. iggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons.
180. Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it.
181. Stand at the entrance to the Potions classroom. Charge entry.
182. Ask him if he's ticklish. Tell him if he lies 'you'll know.'
183. Offer to 'bewitch his mind and ensnare his senses.'
184. Sign him up for Madam Hooch's new class. 'Physical Fitness for the Mentally Depressed'
185. Hum and whistle the score from Austin Powers the moment he enters the Potions room.
186. Be sure to let him know when there's a full moon coming.
187. Every time his back is turned in class, move one seat closer to him. Continue until you are directly in front of
him or until the lesson ends.
188. While speaking with him, casually refer to Voldemort as 'yer boss'
189. Scheme loudly about him in the library. When you know he's behind the nearest shelf.
190. Greet him as you would a life-long friend, punch him in the arm and call him 'Sevster, old pal'
191. Charm his bedsheets to entangle him in his sleep, ensuring he must wrestle them for a quarter-hour each morning just
to get out of bed.
192. Sit with him at Quidditch matches. Promise loudly to 'protect him from those nasty little Gryffindor girls.'
193. Tell him at great length about your newly brewed potion which you have called 'brown-gunk-in-a-bottle'.
194. Shiver with some undisclosed emotion should he call on you in class.
195. Transfigure his robes into comic-book super-hero style tights, cape, logo and utility belt.
196. Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed
by your sweet words of temptation!'
197. Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale?
198. Sign your name on anything of his you can get hold of.
199. Hide behind him anytime Harry Potter approaches.
200. 'Wingardium Leviosa' the back of his robes so that they float vertically behind him and look like a 6-foot-high collar.
201. Start a new fad by getting a tattoo of a lighting bolt shaped scar on your forehead.
202. Squint at him non-stop from the very second he comes into your view until he leaves again. Do this for the entire
month of March, every year of your attendance.
203. Walk around carrying the end of his robes like a bridal gown.
204. Follow him at a distance. Try to make it obvious what you are doing.
205. Sneak up on him and jab him in the ribs. Screech 'poke!' loudly and run off.
206. Hire some thugs. Have them beat people up who say anything against the good name of Snape. Or who looked like they
might have been thinking it.
207. k him at what age his hair 'lost it's natural lustre and shine?'
208. Volunteer to assist him. Drop or break anything he requires you to be in contact with.
209. Let him catch you pretending your wand is a light-sabre. Ask him if he wants to be Obi-Wan or Han Solo. Offer to
show him how to make the correct 'sabre-sounds'.
210. When he calls on you in class, look stunned, stutter and garble some nonsense - then fall out of your seat.
211. Stand guard outside his chambers. Make fists and 'tough-arms' at anyone who looks that way twice. If questioned,
state that you 'wouldn't want anything to happen to him'
212. Dust the floor behind him, following him as he walks. Also dust anything he touches.
213. Put up a notice proclaiming the formation of your own fan-club. Sign his name as the first eager member.
214. Leave Harry Potter bound and gagged outside Snape's rooms every morning for a year.
215. Anytime he comes near you, hold up your robes above your head with one arm and shelter beneath them until he leaves.
216. When he enters his classroom, scurry over and wipe down his seat before he has a chance to sit down.
217. Write his biography. Have it published. Offer him a signed copy.
218. Babble incoherently in class until you've lost all your house points.
219. Set up a shrine to him. Somewhere very public.
220. When he leans over your cauldron to inspect your work, reach out and pin a S.P.E.W badge on him.
221. Shout suddenly in the middle of class 'Ooh, sir, hold that pose!' and quickly begin sketching him.
222. Fill his bed with small, adorable, fluffy creatures. While he's in it.
223. Tell him that you 'know'. Tap the side of your nose and nod knowingly.
224. Weep openly when he gives you detention.
225. Casually mention you're thinking of changing your name to 'Severus'.
226. Ponder aloud on the colour of his underwear.
227. Observe him. Take notes.
228. Become an animagi. Be very cute. Try to get him to adopt you.
229. Try to get him to adopt you anyway.
230. Chain yourself to him and go limp.
231. Forbid anyone to touch him. Enforce the rule.
232. When his food arrives at mealtime, jump out of your seat, dash up to the high table and insist on tasting the food
before he has a bite. 'Just in case.'
233. For the duration of each meal, jump out of your seat at random moments, dash up to the high table and ask if he wants
anything on that, waving condiments madly.
234. Carve small likeness's of him. Leave them around the school.
235. Ask him to teach you how to tango.
236. Crash Death-Eater revels shouting 'Sev! You had a party and you didn't invite me? I'm hurt!'
237. While he's out, fill his rooms completely, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with balloons.
238. Ask him if he wants to meet your mother.
239. Ask him everyday if he'll show you 'that stopper-in-death trick, that sounded neat.'
240. Put up your hand eagerly in class when he asks a question. If he calls on you, ignore his question and say 'Sir?
Can you do this?' Then perform stupid party face-tricks. (Ie: roll your tongue, flip your eyelids or wiggle your ears)
241. Faint regularly in his class.
242. Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent.
243. Write and choreograph a play about him for the school to perform. 'Severus: The Musical'.
244. Cast yourself in the lead.
245. And all the other roles.
246. Make him daisy-chains. Enquire frequently as to why he doesn't wear them.
247. Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of all things Slimy'
248. Chase him.
249. Throw your arms around him on random occasions.
250. Dedicate essays to him.
251. Trip him up in the halls. Every single chance you get.
252. Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run.
253. Become his campaign manager for an election you've invented. Hang 'Vote Snape' signs. Wear a badge.
254. When he leans in to see the contents of your cauldron, whack him over the head, scream 'Tag! You're it!' and dash
out of the classroom, giggling.
255. Paint a portrait of him. Use your imagination. Insist on hanging it in the Great Hall.
256. "Prozac, sir?"
257. Laugh enthusiastically at any mild joke or sarcasm that leaves his mouth. Laugh for about 10 minutes longer than
necessary. Laugh until you cry.
258. Lie down in puddles and beg him to step on you rather than get his feet soggy.
259. Enquire of him if he would like to borrow some shampoo.
260. Find a website focusing on really bad Snape/Harry slash-fic. Print them off and owl them to him regularly.
261. Write a list of all the things you could do to him!
262. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet.
263. Present him, each morning, with a sack-lunch for the day. In a kiddie's lunchpail of course.
264. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle. Walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'.
265. Shave his head while he sleeps.
266. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice.
267. Offer to assist him with his love-life.
268. Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place.
269. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.
270. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself.
271. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like
you sir!'.
272. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth.
273. Run after him in the halls with Christmas Crackers. Insist he crack one with you. Insist he wear the silly paper
hat that emerges.
274. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'.
275. Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class.
276. Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!' or 'Snape-o-riffic!'
277. Get him stoned. Be ready with meat-pies and twinkies when he gets the munchies.
278. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?'
279. Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino.
280. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' 'Scared' 'Thoughtful'
'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc.
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